


Vivid (L.S)

by shrimpingcramp



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: LGBTQ Themes, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-23
Updated: 2021-01-23
Packaged: 2021-03-15 16:07:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28941189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shrimpingcramp/pseuds/shrimpingcramp
Summary: A car accident, a patient, a secret admirer, a dream, a bear, and a broken heart.
Relationships: Harry Styles & Louis Tomlinson, Niall Horan/Zayn Malik/Liam Payne/Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Kudos: 1





	Vivid (L.S)

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! Thank you all for giving my little story a chance! But, before we start, I have a few things I would like to say.
> 
> First of all, this is a FANFICTION. None of this is real, it is an AU, and I am in no way forcing a relationship on any of the people involved. I am only using them as characters in the story. I support Harry and Louis and everyone else who is in this, whether or not they were ever in a relationship! I have trouble coming up with characters, and I have always wanted to write fanfiction, so this is the perfect opportunity for me!
> 
> Secondly, there are some mature themes in this. S*icide, self-h*rm (not the actual act, just reference to it), smut, and death. If any of you have any of these as potential triggers, I advise you that maybe this book isn't for you, and that's okay!
> 
> Thirdly, this is my first fanfic, and first story ever, so I'm sorry if it's really bad, but just bare with me!
> 
> Thank you all!

Everything happened quickly. So quickly, that all I remembered was lights, screaming, frantic people running around, and blood. Lots of blood. Dark, red, and fresh, seeping through the white cotton shirt that Harry had just gotten a week ago. He loved that shirt. It was his favourite. 

And I remember putting my smaller hands on his stomach, pressing to try and stop the bleeding, and watching in panic as the blood started to flow between my skinny fingers. I can remember the feeling of it. The feeling of my beautiful best friend's blood covering mine. I could remember the sound of his breathing, hitching, and quick. I remember the feeling of his curls as I ran my fingers through them, except they weren't that chocolate brown, but auburn instead. 

And I could still hear the sirens as they came, closer and closer. It was like a song stuck in my head that I couldn't get rid of, the melody of the sirens not a melody at all, but more like a bloodcurdling scream.

And as I sat in the quiet hospital room, my fingers intertwined with Harry's large but cold ones, I could still hear them. And even though his shirt was replaced with a blue hospital gown, and even though his breathing was even and steady by the tube that ran out of his mouth, all I could hear was his strangled gasps as he held on to life.

He had come out of surgery about an hour ago. They didn't tell me how it went, or how he was, the only thing I knew was that he was still unconscious and showed no signs of waking up. Since I wasn't family, the doctors wanted to wait until his parents showed up to discuss him.

I had called Anne as soon as Harry got into surgery. She and Gemma were out of town but they came as soon as I called them. They should be here soon.

I reached the hand that wasn't intertwined with his and softly brushed away a curl that had fallen in front of his eyes. It was painful not to see his eyes open and wide, that beautiful mint-green colour shining bright with his dimpled smile and perfect teeth. He just looked so ... solemn. Not even peaceful. I wish he looked peaceful. That would make me feel peaceful too, but his somber face felt like stabs in my chest and I prayed that he wasn't in pain right now.

I felt a tear slip down my cheek as I brought his cold, pale hand up to my lips and I kissed them gently. His skin felt soft on my chapped lips.

"God, Harry," I whispered into his hand. Why did it have to be you? Why couldn't it be me instead? Or anyone else? Why you? This sweet, beautiful, kind, loving boy who was an angel and had done no wrong; who wouldn't even hurt a fly, and had his whole life ahead of him.

I let out a painful sob and dropped our intertwined hands on the hospital bed. "Please Harry. Please wake up."

I heard the door creak open and a brunette woman ran into the room and crashed at the side of Harry's bed with a sob. "Oh God." she screamed, "My beautiful, beautiful boy, oh god, oh god, my boy, my-" she sobbed again and clutched Harry's hand tightly with hers.

"Mom?" I heard a small voice whisper. I looked over to the door where a female version of Harry stood with a pale, tear-stained face.

"Hey Gem..." I said with a small smile.

She let go of the handle and ran over to me with her arms open. I embraced her with a tight hug and heard her cry into my shoulder, mumbling incoherently babbles about her brother.

I turned to look at Anne and found she was looking up at me. She was pale like the rest of the Styles family and looked horrified.

"Lou..." she whispered tearfully, "Is he-? Have they-?" she didn't finish her sentence but I knew what she was asking. I shook my head.

At that moment the doctor, I believe his name was Dr. Shepherd came into the room with the nurse that had been taking care of Harry; Julie I believe her name was. She was kind and quiet and didn't ask me to leave Harry's side because I think she figured out he meant a lot to me.

"Are you Mrs. Styles?" Dr. Shepherd asked.

Anne looked up at him and nodded, wiping away a tear.

Dr. Shepherd sat down on the empty bed that was in the room and faced Anne.

"As you probably know, Harry sustained... many injuries in the accident. We did as much as we could in surgery, and he is stable at the moment, but..." his voice trailed off.

"But what?" Anne asked frantically. I could hear the pain in her voice, almost like she forced herself to ask the question and didn't really want the answer.

Dr. Shepherd sighed and took a breath, "Because of his injuries, there is... no chance of Harry waking up."

Anne froze, "but- but he's breathing, doctor. A-and he's alive. Are you sure he's n-not just unconscious-?"

Dr.Shepherd ran his fingers through his voluminous hair and took another deep breath, "Mrs. Styl- Anne. Harry is braindead. He is alive and breathing, but there's no brain activity."

Anne burst into another sob. A Painful, heartbroken sob that tore into my chest. If I wasn't already crying for the doctor's news on Harry, her sobs alone could make me cry.

"Now, we can keep him here on life support if you wish to keep him... alive. But, Mrs. Styles, he won't ever wake."

"S-so, w-what are you s-suggesting," Anne asked between cries.

"We would suggest taking him off life-support. Keeping him alive- well, giving him proper rest is the best thing you can do for him."

This brought another sob out of Anne. She was crying so hard, she couldn't even form a sentence.

"We'll give you some time to think about it. There's no rush. Take your time, Anne." And with that, he and the nurse left us alone in the room. The room full of Gem's sniffles, Anne's cries, and the beeping of the machines keeping Harry alive.

-

It was a few days after the doctor broke the news about Harry. Anne still hadn't said anything about taking him off of life support- letting him die. I didn't expect her to make a decision so easily, though. It was her son, her only son. I didn't push her, and neither did the doctors.

She also hadn't left the hospital at all. She sat at Harry's bedside day in, day out, hardly even sleeping except dozing off for an hour on the small hospital chair. Robin had returned from a business trip and stayed for a bit, eventually trying to get Anne to come home, but when she refused, he settled on taking Gemma away from everything.

But when I got to the hospital today, I was surprised to meet Robin and Anne at the entrance, about to leave. Robin had finally convinced her to come home and get some sleep and food, and maybe a shower too.

This left Harry and me alone for the first time since the day of the accident. Usually, I would just sit on the chair opposite Anne when I visited, but since I was alone, I scooched in beside Harry on the bed and laid down. I closed my eyes and listened to the sound of his breathing beside mine. Although artificial, it was still his, and it calmed me. I laid there for a while, just listening to his breaths when all of a sudden the calm rhythm was interrupted by a choking sound. I sat up frantically and noticed that he was choking on the tube he was breathing with. I started panicking, not knowing what to do, so I stumbled out into the hallway and shouted for a nurse. A couple came running past me and into the room and I recognized the one who was assigned to Harry; Julie. I stood outside the room before one came and brought me to the waiting room while the doctors did their job.

It felt like hours as I watched the clock tick by, cracking my knuckles way too much, hardly processing what was going on around me.

"Louis? Louis Tomlinson?" the nurse, Julie, called into the waiting room. I stood up quickly and practically sprinted over to her.

"Is he okay? What happened? Please don't tell me he's d-"

"Louis," Julie interrupted with a soft smile, "Harry is fine. Actually, he's awake. It's a miracle. I called his parents and they'll be here in a bit, but he's asking for you."

My heart stopped and I stared at her, eyes wide and mouth open, gaping like a fish. "What?" I breathed.

I let her lead me to the familiar room and once I saw Harry awake, now sitting up in his bed, still pale, but no tube in his face and his mint-green eyes wide open, I practically ran and jumped into his arms.

"OhmygodHarryIthoughtyouweredeadtheysaidthatyouwouldneverwakeupandI-" I burst out into a sob and he pulled me into a tight hug.

"Shhh," He whispered into my ear, "I'm here okay, Lou, I'm here. I'm alive. I'm not going anywhere."

I looked up at him and held his soft face in my hands, his curls unruly and sticking up all over the place, and his eyes piercing into mine. "Is this a dream?"

He chuckled, "You're a dumbass, Louis."

I let go of his face and then lifted up my right hand again and slapped him across the face.

"OW, what the fuck, Louis?!" he shouted as he held his red cheek in his hands.

"That," I said, "was for almost dying. You scared the shit out of me, Haz."

He looked at me sympathetically with puppy dog eyes, "I'm sorry Lou..."

I grabbed his large hand with mine and intertwined our fingers together, finally feeling that spark run through my veins that I had so longed for, but didn't have because it was different when he wasn't conscious. "Just promise me that you won't almost die on me ever again."

Harry sighed, "Lou-"

"Please Haz."

He sighed again, "Ok, I promise."

I smiled and then changed the topic to something less morbid. "So, have they said anything about when you can leave yet?"

Harry shook his head of curls, "No. But I doubt it's going to be anytime soon."

"Well, are you up for some food, Styles?"

"As long as it's solid and I can chew it, yes," he replied.

We got the nurses and they helped Harry get all set up with his IV pole and whatnot. I wasn't educated on medical things.

We made our way to the elevator and down to the main floor where the cafeteria was. We made small talk, which was mostly just me catching him up on the events in the past few days. Like the things and stories I'd seen while I was with him at the hospital, and the recent episodes of the TV series we would watch together. I talked, and Harry listened, and that's just how our relationship always was. He was my best friend, and I was his, and I don't know what I would do if he died.

But as I watched Harry strut into the cafeteria, basically running towards the Starbucks because it was his favourite, his hospital gown and brown curls flowing around him, and the IV pole in his right hand, I realized he was more. And his accident made me realize that.

The butterflies when we made eye contact, the sparks when we touched, the way I watched his lips when he spoke. I adored this boy, and although I hated to admit it, I liked him more than I planned. More than a best friend. And it pained me that I knew he didn't feel the same way. But maybe, now that he'd escaped death, I could tell him. Because I regretted not telling him when he was unconscious, and I know if he ever almost died again, I would regret it again as well. Just when and where was the question.

"Lou," Harry called from the Starbucks, "You coming or what?"

I laughed and ran up to meet him. He ordered a simple black coffee because he was still recovering, and I got an iced mocha. I bought us each a little sandwich, and then a chocolate muffin to split between us. We sat at a little table by a window that looked out into the garden in the middle of the hospital. It was raining outside, so we couldn't go out.

We chatted back and forth, sipping our coffee, and basically inhaling our food.

"So, I think it was Wednesday, and I was coming in to visit you," I said as I sipped my coffee. Harry had asked me to tell him some more things that had happened while he was unconscious. "And anyway, so I got on an elevator with this guy and I guess he's some sort of medical dude. He kept chuckling to himself and so I asked what he was laughing about. Apparently, a guy had come in and this doctor prescribed him patches. And so then the guy came back and said that he didn't know what to do because he had run out of places to put the patches. So, the doctor was super confused. Turns out the guy put them on but didn't take them off, and so his entire body was just covered in patches."

I know the story wasn't that funny, but Harry burst out laughing. I loved his laugh. Loud, and contagious, and his dimples popped out so much. He was adorable.

"How did he not realize?" Harry giggled.

"Honestly."

"Jeez, and I missed all of this."

I sighed and reached out to take his hand, but second-guessed myself and took my hand back. Harry must have noticed and he took my hand before I could pull it away. I felt the spark run through my hand and the butterflies arose in my stomach.

"Harry-"

"Lou, It's okay. I'm okay. I'm gonna be okay." Harry smiled.

We finished up eating and then strolled back to his room. Anne, Robin, and Gemma were waiting patiently. The moment he stepped into the room, he was attacked by six arms and plenty of kisses all around him. There were even a few happy tears shed as the family was so thankful he was okay.

"Has the doctor said anything about when I can go home?" Harry asked, still trapped in Anne's arms.

Anne sighed and combed her fingers through her son's hair, "No, honey, I'm sorry. It's such a... surprise, a miracle." her voice shook as she continued, "You weren't... you weren't supposed to wake up, Harry. They want to keep you here to figure out what happened."

"So, they want me as a lab rat?" He asked shortly.

"No, no. Not like that, sweetheart. They just want to check you out. Make sure everything's the way it should before they discharge you."

Harry sighed and walked over to his bed. "So, what? I'm going to be basically living in this hospital for the next month? You guys work, and I don't expect you to drive to the hospital every day. I just-"

Anne went and sat beside Harry and placed her hand on his. "Sweetie-"

"I'll keep you company Harry," I spoke up from the door. I had given it a bit of thought since he woke up this morning. I figured they'd keep him since he was supposed to be brain dead for a while, and since it was summer holidays and I had nothing better to do, I could keep him company. There was no question about it, and I knew my mom wouldn't mind. Lottie could take care of the girls, I wasn't needed at home. And this way, maybe, just maybe, I could hint to Harry about how I felt.

Everyone looked up at me surprised. I cleared my throat and spoke again, "I, uh, I just figured I have nothing else to do. School is out and all and Harry is my best friend. I can drive, and there's an empty bed here where I could sleep if needed. I'd rather be here anyway than out with other friends from school, partying and shit. If that's okay with you Harry? Obviously, if you don't want me to I won't, and I have to check with my mom first, but-"

Harry jumped up from his bed and practically jumped into my arms. His head was nuzzled into my neck and I could smell his hair and feel his hot breath against my neck, shooting shivers down my spine. His hair smelt like peaches.

"Thank you, Lou. God, thank you." He whispered and I blushed.

I was home a bit later that night. My mom didn't mind, she knew I cared a lot about Harry. When I got inside, she was clearing off the table from supper, and the girls were already in their rooms.

"Hey mum," I said as I gave her a small hug.

"Hey, honey. How's Harry?" She asked, sadly. I hadn't told her he had woken up yet.

"Actually, mum, I need to talk to you."

A concerned look came over her face as she sat down at the table. I pulled out the chair beside me and sat, facing her.

"What happened, Lou?" she asked.

"Harry woke up this morning and-"

"What?!" she exclaimed.

I laughed, "Yeah, I know."

"What- how?"

I shrugged, "I don't know. But they're keeping him at the hospital until they figure it out. You know, make sure everything's okay." I took a breath, "Actually, I want to discuss something with you."

She clasped her hands in her lap and looked at me, gesturing for me to go on.

"So, we don't know when Harry is going to be out and he's going to be lonely because his parents have to work, and-"

"You want to stay with him?" She interrupted. I noticed her eyes were glassy.

I nodded, "I checked with the nurses and as long as the bed is unoccupied, I can stay there."

My mum smiled at me, her eyes still glassy, "It's okay, Louis. As long as you come home often, it's okay. I know Harry would do the same to you."

"Really? You think so?"

She laughed and embraced me into a hug. "Louis, just from watching you two grow up, I knew how you felt about him before you told me that you... well you love him. And if he doesn't love you too, I-. Well, it'll be the plot twist of the century." she whispered gently into my ear.

I felt my eyes sting with tears as we pulled away, "Thanks mum. I love you."

"I love you too honey. Now get some sleep. You must be exhausted."

I went to bed that night with a smile on my face and slept better than I had since the accident. 

-

"You know, I'm actually excited to be in the hospital. I mean, not because I'm in the hospital, but like, we get to spend the next who knows how long together. Like, that's pretty cool," Harry babbled on. I had just arrived and was setting the stuff I had brought down, getting everything set up.

I sat on the bed opposite to him, "I know. It's kind of crazy honestly. I didn't know what to expect this summer, but this definitely was not it."

Harry frowned, "I know, sorry about that. You know, you don't have to stay, like I'm not forcing you to or-"

I interrupted him, "Shush child. This is better than sitting at home and watching netflix all day." Plus I wouldn't trade this for the world. I get to spend 24/7 with this beautiful boy I'd had a crush on since the day we met.

Harry giggled. It was adorable. Since It was later in the day, I had brought some Wendys with me. We turned on the TV that was in the room and put on some sort of movie I'd never seen before. But we hardly even paid attention to it. We chatted about random things, stuffing fries and nuggets in our mouths and laughing over the stupidest things.

Before we knew it, the nurse, Julie, came in and said that we had to turn the lights out and be quiet for the other patients so they could sleep. Harry and I got under the covers and laid silently for a bit. I closed my eyes and tried to sleep, but my thoughts were filled.

"Hey Lou?" I heard a small voice ask.

"Yeah Haz?"

"Do you, uh," he stuttered, "Want to maybe come and sleep with me? Uh not like that I mean, just like, you know, we could talk then. And I can't really sleep and yeah."

I chuckled and climbed out of my bed and padded over to him. I pulled the sheets back and climbed in beside him, immediately feeling the warmth that he radiated off of him.

We laid in silence. I thought he might have fallen asleep, so I tried to as well. But then he spoke up.

"Hey Lou... can you tell me, uhm." he paused.

I shifted around so I was laying on my side and facing him. I was surprised to find him facing me also, his mint-green eyes piercing into my blue ones, and his chapped lips open and parted as he breathed in and out.

"What is it Haz?" I asked softly.

"Uh, nothing it's stupid."

"Hey," I said, putting my hand on his that was resting on his pillow, "You can ask me anything."

Harry paused, like he was debating whether or not to ask. "What was it like when you thought I was...?" his voice trailed off. But I knew what he was asking.

I took in a shaky breath. "Honestly Harry, it felt like my world was just crashing down."

"Your world?" he asked, his eyes shifting between mine.

"Yeah," I breathed, "Harry, I- I love you. So much. And when I thought... when I thought you were going to die, I-" I let out a sob, not wanting to think about it.

Harry reached out and wiped a tear from my check. I felt a warmth spread across my body as he stared into my eyes. "I'm okay, Lou."

"I know."

We were woken up early the next morning by Julie, asking us if we wanted breakfast or if we were going down to the cafeteria. I could tell she was curious about why I was in Harry's bed and not mine, but she didn't say anything.

Harry, sick of hospital food, was certain about getting take out. We ordered pancakes from the Pancake House and ate in our room, talking about random shit like we'd done the night before.

We spent most of the day just lazing around. Harry called his parents and I called my mum and the girls.

For dinner, we just ate what the hospital brought us since we were too lazy to go out. It was dark outside, and we were watching another random, old movie when I got an idea.

"Hey, Haz?" I asked.

He looked up at me from my chest, where he had been laying. Ever since last night, we didn't even bother having different beds. And I wasn't complaining. I loved having him lay on my chest, feeling his breathing against my stomach, and watching his chest raise up and down. I would run my fingers through his curls. They were always so soft and bouncy and I adored them.

"What do you say about going on an adventure?"

He raised his eyebrow, "Louis, we have to turn the lights out in like, what, half an hour?"

I smirked and he chuckled, always knowing I was stirring up trouble. "So?"

"Lou-" he protested.

"C'mon Harry, please? We need to have some fun. Go out, explore. I'm bored and restless just laying in bed all day."

Harry turned his head back to the TV, "I'm comfy though, Lou."

I brushed my fingers through his curls again, twirling them and watching them bounce, "We can come back like this later. Please? Just for a couple of minutes?"

"Fine," he groaned, "But only because I love you."

"What?" I asked. I was frozen, my eyes wide and mouth wide open. Did he just say he loves me?

Harry looked confused, "What?"  
"You love me?"

Harry laughed and swatted my head, "You're my best friend, dumbass."

Oh.

"Oh, yeah," I fake laughed. I was stupid.

We got all set up, Harry with his IV pole, and we slowly opened the door and stepped out. I knew that a nurse sat at the desk at the front, but we were at the end of the hallway, so we wouldn't be seen.

"Where are we going, Louis?" Harry asked, his voice above a whisper.

"Shh!" I whispered, and motioned for him to follow me into the staircase.

"Lou, I can't go up the stairs, if you've forgotten."

"What do you mean?" I asked, and then remembered he had an IV pole. "Oh, right."

We left the stairwell, and I saw an elevator at the other end of the hall. The only problem was that I knew the nurse was there.

"Shit," i whispered to myself, "Ok, here's the thing. The elevator is over there, but the nurse is there too."

"Well,l I guess we better go back to our room where we're supposed to be."

I turned around and glared at him, "Harry, we're doing this."

He sighed. "We can just go up the stairs. We'll just carry the pole. God, why are we doing this?"

We went back to the stairwell and glanced down the stairs. "Ok, so how do you presume we do this?"

Harry sighed and with both hands, lifted it a bit above the ground. But it fell back down as it was way too heavy for just him. I reached down and picked up the bottom while he got the top, and together we made our way up the stairs. Harry was right. This was stupid. Idiotic. But it was fun, and we needed some fun.

"Only one more staircase to go." I laughed.

"What's so important that's up those stairs?"

I smirked at him with a glint in my eye. "You'll see."

He huffed and then we went to pick up the pole again. The top of these stairs were different from the others. This was the top floor of the hospital, which I'd figured out while exploring one of the days I was here.

I open the metal door for Harry, and let him walk through. It was all worth it as I watched Harry's face light up in joy. We were standing on the roof, over looking the city. Since it was dark, we could see all of the lights, and since it was so high, the sounds of the traffic and sirens were faint, leaving the roof peaceful.

"Lou..." he gasped. He walked over to the edge and placed his hands on the cement railing, looking over the edge. "Shit, that's high."

I laughed and joined him by the railing, "So, was this worth it?"

He turned to me with a serious look on his face. His mouth was parted and his green eyes wide, lightened up from all of the lights. He was beautiful. "So worth it," he breathed.

Something about the atmosphere changed me. Something about the way Harry looked, although hair unruly and greasy, and wearing a blue hospital gown. SOmething about the peace and quite and all the lights. At that moment, I just wanted to spill my heart out to him. Tell him how I felt, and then kiss those pink, soft lips. I felt butterflies in my stomach just thinking about it.

"Harry-" I started, but was cut off by voices, not belonging to Harry nor I.

"Hey!" the voice called again.

Harry looked as confused as I did, and we looked around, trying to figure out where it was coming from. Then I spotted three figures at the other side of the rooftop.

I glanced at Harry before we both made our way over cautiously. When we were close enough, I was able to make them out. They were three boys, the same age as Harry and I by the looks of it. Two were tiny, and bald, but one had the most beautiful brown eyes I'd ever seen, and the other one also had brown eyes, but they were kind and caring, and made you just want to tell him all of your darkest secrets. The last one wasn't bald, but had bright blonde hair and just seemed so bubbly and happy despite being at a hospital. They all wore the same blue hospital clothes that Harry wore.

"Hey!" the blonde one said, with a huge grin, "I'm Niall! What are y'all doing up here?"

"I could say the same about you," I replied with an eyebrow raise.

The one with the kind brown eyes smiled at my comment, "We like coming up here. It's private. Gives us some time to get away from the hospital without getting away, you know?"

I nodded in understanding, "Yeah, I can see why. I'm Louis by the way," I said with a wave, "And this is Harry."

Harry smiled his dimpled smile and waved at them shyly.

The one with the kind eyes replied, "Nice to meet you, I'm Liam. You already know Niall's name, and then this is Zayn."

"I've never seen you guys before, can I ask what you're here for?" Zayn asked.

Harry spoke up, "Uh yeah, I am. I was in an accident, and yeah, it's a long story. Louis' here to keep me company while I wait for them to discharge me. What about you guys?"

"I was diagnosed with Leukemia a few weeks ago," Liam said.

"Oh man, I'm sorry. That's awful." I replied sympathetically.

He smiled, "It's okay, it's at an early stage so I should be okay."

"Same here," Zayn said with a sad smile, "Liam and I met in treatment."

"What about you?" I asked Niall.

"Well thankfully not cancer." he joked. Liam reached out and slapped him across the head. "Ow, fuck you Lima bean."

Harry and I burst out laughing. They seemed like funny guys.

"He has CF," Zayn answered for Niall. The two still seemed to be fighting.

"Cystic fibrosis?" Harry asked.

Zayn nodded, "We all met here. Of course, Liam and I knew each other before, but we met Niall when he came. He had just moved here and was starting treatment here, and I guess we just hit it off with him." He looked at Liam and Niall fondly.

"That's good that you guys have each other," I replied, trying not to laugh at the two of them.

'Yeah," Zayn breathed, "I'm glad you two have each other too- Hey! We should hang out tomorrow! The five of us."

"That sounds great!" I replied, and then turned to Harry, "What do you think?"

He nodded happily, "That sounds great!"

Zayn smiled, "Great, we'll meet in the cafeteria tomorrow morning, is that good?"

"Sounds perfect."

-

The other boys were a blast. The five of us got together so well. Except for in the morning and at night, and when they had their treatments, we hung out with them. I did like hanging out with them, but some part of me wanted to have Harry to myself, that wasn't when we were having our late night chats. But, Harry was happy, and so I was happy too.

The doctors would often come in and check out Harry, so I would stay with the others. But they never mentioned what was going on. They never released him or said when he was going to be released. At least he didn't need an IV pole anymore, which was nice for walking around. It had been a few weeks since I was staying with him. I'd gone home a couple of times and updated my mum on what was going on, and Harry's family visited as well. It was nice that there was no negative change, but sometimes I wished he would just be truly okay.

It was early on a Tuesday, and Harry and I got back to our room after breakfast with the boys. Apparently, Niall was going out with his family for the day, and Zayn and Liam had their chemo together, so that left Harry and me alone for the day.

"So," Harry said as he jumped on his bed, "What d'you wanna do today?"

"I was thinking," I said slowly, "You want to go up to the roof for a bit?"

Harry giggled, "But it's not night yet, Lou."

I smirked, "I know."

He raised his eyebrow and then stood up and walked to the door. "Well, are you coming or not?"

I blushed and then followed him out. It was a lot busier, with nurses running around and patients wandering the halls. We pretended like we were just going for a small stroll and then sprinted into the empty staircase and stumbled up the steps.

The roof was different in the day. We could see for miles the stretch of the city, and I longed for the day that Harry and I could finally be out there again.

"Wow," Harry breathed, "This is crazy."

"Yeah," I smirked, "I told you it would be worth it."

Harry swatted my head and turned to look at the cityscape again.

When our legs got tired, we sat with our backs against the cement railing. We talked about random shit, and soon enough the sun was setting and the sky was growing dark.

"Hey Lou," Harry said, "Can I tell you something?"

I chuckled, "Harry, you don't need to ask my permission every time you want to tell me or ask me something."

I expected Harry to laugh, but his face remained serious. He stared into my eyes, almost questioning himself whether he should tell or not.

"I'm gay."

My eyes widened in response. I wasn't expecting that to come out of his mouth.

He saw my shock and then turned red and started mumbling, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have I- God I'm so stupid, god Harry, why-"

I wasn't sure what I was thinking. Frankly, I wasn't. I was so overwhelmed with this new information that I did the only thing I could think of. I had to show him I didn't care he was gay. I had to show him I was gay too.

And so the next thing I know, I was grabbing Harry's soft cheeks and suddenly my lips were on his.

They were soft, so soft. And plump. I had kissed people before, but by far, this was the best kiss I had ever had. There were sparks at the tips of my lips, and a shiver ran down my spine. The butterflies I had every time I was with Harry suddenly flew up and around my torso and I felt so good. He felt so good.

And then I slowly pulled apart from him, staring into his wide green eyes. His mouth kept trying to form words, but he couldn't

"Haz.." I whispered.

And then he grabbed my face and pulled me in again, his lips roughly kissing mine. "God Harry," I mumbled against him.

He pulled away and we stared at each other again.

"You don't know how long I've been wanting to do that," I said, a goofy smile plastered on my face.

He blushed, "Me too."

"Can I, uh," I stuttered, "Take you on a date?"

Harry laughed, "If you haven't already realized, we're in a hospital, Lou. You can't really 'take me out'"

I smirked, "Try me."

Harry raised his eyebrow and then shook his head with a dimpled grin, "Ok. Friday?"

"Ugh," I whined, "That's so far."

"Aw, is wittle wou sad that he has to wait?" Harry cooed.

I glared at him the best I could. "Fine. Friday, I'm taking you out."

Harry smiled his goofy dimpled smile, and I don't think I've ever loved someone like I love him.

The next few days were the slowest days I'd ever had to live through. We hung out with the boys, and told them what happened between us. Niall claimed to know all along, and basically shouted it out to everyone. Liam had a few tears in his eyes and ran over to hug us, and Zayn was the most normal and just had a simple "congratulations".

But soon enough it was Friday, and I went about setting everything up. It had to be perfect. 

I went to one of the public bathrooms and changed into something relatively nice. It was a pair of skin-tight, black jeans that hugged my ass, and a nice, knitted grey sweater. Then I made my way to Harry and I's room and softly knocked on the door.

"Come in!" he called from the other side.

I entered and then paused from shock at the sight of Harry. I had asked Anne to bring him some nice clothes, and boy did she bring him nice clothes. He was hot. Tight, black jeans like mine, and a blue button-up shirt that showed off his chest. I could feel the warmth in my abdomen spread from just the thought of him- don't fucking get hard, Louis or I swear to God...

"Wow, Harry," I said, almost in a whisper.

He blushed and then did a little twirl to show all of him off. I giggled.

"You look good too, Lou," He said softly. 

I reached out my hand for him to take and he took it. Then I led him out in the quiet hallway.

"So, where you taking me?" He asked brightly, "Not that there are many places you can."

I laughed, "Yeah thanks for that."

Harry looked up at me with a pout, "You know, I can just go back to my room-"

I quickly turned around and kissed him before he could finish. "Absolutely not. I wouldn't take our first date in any other way. It's perfect."

Harry blushed against my hands, "Me too."

We continued walking towards the elevator and I felt Harry's soft hands interlock with mine. A blush crept up my neck and my hand tingled. 

We made our way into the elevator and I pressed the ground floor. Harry looked at me curiously, "You aren't planning on running away with me, are you?"

I giggled and kissed his hand, "Maybe."

Harry grinned his dimpled smile, "I mean, I don't mind if we do."

We both burst out in giggles and then the elevator dinged, signaling we were on the ground floor. It was dark and empty when we set out, only the odd nurse strolling about on night shift. None of them really paid any attention to Harry and me, which was surprising. Maybe they were just tired and didn't mind if we took a midnight stroll. 

I pulled him into a hallway and brought him down to the gift shop. It was still open, the lady behind the counter looking tired and bored.

Harry raised his eyebrow, "A gift shop?"

I grinned, "Pick anything you like. I'll buy it for you."

"Tell me this isn't the whole date."

"It's not the whole date," I giggled, "I just want to get you a present."

Harry wandered into the store, and I watched fondly as he eyed all of the little toys and small 'get well' gifts. His finger ran across all of the shelves lightly until he came to a small basket filled with stuffed bears. He smiled fondly at it and picked it up. It was medium-sized, and light blue with a dark grey bow around its neck. He then looked up at me, almost searching my eyes for something, and then he walked over and handed it to me. 

"I want this one," He said with a blush.

I looked down at it and studied it, wondering why he had chosen it out of everything, but I didn't question him about it yet. I walked over to the lady at the desk; middle-aged with auburn hair and tired brown eyes. She gave a fake smile and then quickly cashed through the bear. I nodded a small 'thank you' and then left the store. 

I looked around me, expecting to see Harry, but he wasn't anywhere.

"Harry?" I called quietly. No answer. 

I started to get frantic, walking quicker to the hall we had come from. "Harry?" "Harr-"

I was pulled by strong hands into a dark room before I could finish my call. I tried to scream for help, but a soft, large hand covered my mouth before I could say anything. The figure flipped me around and then the light flicked on and I was face to face with none other than the asshole who I happened to be in love with.

"What the fuck Harry?" I whispered, pushing him away.

He giggled and then pinned me against the wall of the room, which I realized was a wheelchair-accessible washroom, He grabbed my wrists and pinned them above my head, kissing me roughly. He grinded up against me, a bulge in his pants prominent and rubbing against mine. He slipped both of my wrists into one of his hands and reached down to palm me, moaning slip out. With his lack of securing my wrists, I broke free and flipped us around so I was the one who was pinning him instead.

I leaned into his neck and kissed him gently, sucking and licking. A sigh escaped from his lips and I smirked against his skin and then pulled away and admired my work. I then leaned in again but to whisper in his ear.

"Not yet sweetheart," I whispered huskily.

"Tease," He pouted.

"Hey, you're the one who kidnapped me and tried pinning me against the wall."

He let out a 'hmpf' and then we left the washroom together.

"So," He said, swinging his arms against his side, "Where 'we going next?"

"You'll see,"

I led him back to the elevator, his bear still held tight in his hands. I pushed the bottom for the top floor; the roof.

"The roof, eh?"

"Yep."

The door dinged again and we stepped out into the room where the stairs led, and then I opened the metal door and let Harry go through. 

We stepped out into the warm air and I heard Harry gasp as he took in the sight around him.

I had probably gone a bit overboard, but I wanted our first date to be perfect. Since the rooftop was an important place for us, I knew that's where it had to be. I asked Anne to bring some candles and flowers, and I borrowed a blanket from our room and spread it on the ground. Then I ordered some take-out, nothing fancy, just some sandwiches, and other snack foods, and I made sure to get him some Starbucks as well. 

Harry looked at me with glazed eyes, "Lou... this is amazing."

"I did it all for you," I replied with a fond smile. Not to be proud, but I was proud of the work I did.

I led him over to the blanket and helped him sit down.

"Lou, you didn't have to do all of this,"

"No," I stopped him, "I did. It's our first date Haz, I want it to be perfect."

He reached over and cupped my cheeks with his hands and then kissed me gently. It was sweet and caring, and although short and quick, was still one of the best kisses I'd had.

"Thank you," He whispered.

We dug in and ate the food I brought, talking and laughing, and sharing kisses every so often. Harry looked beautiful tonight. His green eyes bright and his curly brown hair freshly combed and shiny with the city lights. I noticed his button-up shirt was shiny and fitted his forearms really well, showing off all of the curves of his muscle. 

He took a bite of his chocolate muffin I'd grabbed for a desert, and when he finished chewing there was a bit of chocolate on the side of his mouth. I was about to wipe it away with my thumb, but instead reached all the way in and kissed the spot, slowly sucking the chocolate away.

"Mm," I moaned, "You taste like chocolate,"

Then I moved over to his mouth and started kissing it, tasting the chocolate on his juicy lips.

"Mm, Lou-" He moaned against my mouth. He reached his large hands around my waist and with hardly any effort lifted me and sat me on him so I was straddling him.

I reached up and ran my fingers through his hair, bringing another moan from him. He trailed his hands up my back from my waist, leaving shivers down my spine, and then moved down and squeezed my ass. I moaned against his lips and then pulled his hair.

"Haz," I breathed, moving back to catch my breath.

"Lou..." He whispered back.

And then with an understanding in our eyes, I shakily moved my hands up and started unbuttoning his silky shirt. 

The lower I got, the more I could feel his heart beating faster. I could feel mine beating faster as well, as his abs were revealed. I'd seen him shirtless before, so it was no surprise to me, but I still felt that same warmth in the pit of my stomach.

When I was done unbuttoning, I pulled the shirt off of his shoulders, leaving him shirtless. I then crawled off of his lap and traced my hands along his torso, feeling him shiver beneath my touch. I bent down to his pants and slowly unzipped and unbuttoned them, and then pulled the waistband down to reveal his dark boxers. I glanced up at him, his eyes wide and lips parted. I smirked and then reached into his boxers and pulled out his dick, warm and hard between my palm. I watched him as I did so, his head leaned back and eyes closed, a soft sigh escaping his pretty lips.

I wiped the bit of precum around his head and length and then started slowly pumping, moans escaping from his lips.

"That feel good?" I asked, my voice raspy. He moaned in reply and I smirked.

Then I brought it up to my lips, and even though his dick was huge, I managed to fill up my entire mouth with it.

"Lou-" He moaned, his eyes locked with mine as he watched me bob my head around his cock.

I began to go faster, taking pleasure in him squirming beneath me. I could feel his dick throbbing in my mouth, just waiting to be released.

"Lou," He whined, "I-I'm gonna-"

I swiped my tongue around his tip and then started going again, faster and faster. Then I felt his cock twitch and warm come squirted down my throat. I pulled back and swallowed it, his come-tasting sweet.

I looked up at him, his eyes closed and cheeks flushed; a shine of sweat across his forehead, and lips parted in pleasure.

"God Lou," he sighed.

I lifted my hand and stroked his cheek, then pulled him in for a kiss, the taste of his come still on my tongue.

"That good for you, baby?" I whispered against his ear.

"Mhm," he replied, eyes still closed.

Then suddenly, Harry's eyes sprung open and he flipped me around so I was laying on my back on the blanket, and Harry was straddling my waist.

His eyes weren't teasing but instead were serious. "Louis, I- I wanna-" he paused, but I knew what he was asking.

I gently stroked his cheek, "Haz, are you sure? We don't have to just because-"

He cut me off with an aggressive kiss. I then grabbed him and flipped us around so we swapped positions.

"I want this, Lou," he panted, "I've wanted this for so long. Please."

I blushed and leaned down and kissed him, "I want this too, Haz."

Without hesitation, I yanked his jeans and boxers down, throwing them across the roof. I looked down at his naked body under me, soft and pale, and glinting from the city lights. I bit my lip as I tried to control myself, but then a thought popped into my brain and I paused.

"What's wrong Lou?" he asked.

"We don't have any... uh ... lube," 

Harry leaned forward and stroked my cheek. "I don't care. I want this Lou. I almost died and I regretted this so much, and I don't want that to happen again. Please."

I frowned, "It's gonna be so painful though."

He smiled, "I know. But it'll be worth it."

I sighed, "Are you sure?"

He nodded and then laid back down on his elbows, eyes never leaving mine. 

I leaned down and softly kissed down his stomach, my mouth making little squeaks and pops as I sucked. I could hear Harry panting in anticipation under my lips.

He started to squirm as I got lower and lower, moving from his crotch down his thigh and aggressively sucked in a sweet spot. Then I moved my arms under his legs and propped them up, giving me a clear view of his hole. I eyed him seductively and he looked at me back with a scared look on his face.

"What are you thinking about doi- ohh god Lou." he was cut off by a moan as I bent my head down and slowly licked around his hole. I'd never done this before, and I had no idea what I was doing, but I wanted to provide at least some sort of lubrication for Harry since it was his first time and I knew he would be so tight. 

I licked around a bit teasingly before I stuck my tongue into his ass. Raspy moans came out of Harry's lips as I went deeper, making him wet. 

Once I was done, I sat back and noticed Harry, his head rolled back as he leaned on his arms, his dick red and throbbing against his stomach. I bit my lip as I remembered how thick and good he felt in my mouth.

"Ok," I said, "I'm going to try and open you up now." Harry nodded.

I pressed my middle finger inside, going deeper and deeper as hushed curse words and moans escaped his pretty mouth. I pushed my index finger in soon after it, and that made Harry buck his hips off the bed, signaling that he wanted more.

"Feels so good, Louis." He breathed.

"I'm going to try three, okay? Make sure it's stretched out enough."

"Yeah, go for it." Harry panted.

When Louis's third finger passed his ring of muscle, Harry whined in pain, and I quickly moved it out. But Harry reached forward and grabbed it, holding it in before I could fully pull out.

"No," He said, fingers gripping my wrist, "Keep going."

I hesitated for a second, but the pleading in his eyes convinced me he was okay, so I continued.

I was now basically finger-fucking him, curling and scissoring my fingers to open him as much as I could.

When I saw Harry buck his hips up, I knew I hit his prostate. 

"Are you ready for the real deal now?" I whispered in his ear, my fingers still inside.

He nodded without hesitation and I pulled them out.

Harry stared at me straight in the eyes, the reflection off of the city lights prominent in his green ones. He was panting and his hair was all disheveled. But he was so beautiful.

"God ... you're so beautiful." I breathed. Harry blushed and looked away. I brought my hand up to his pale cheeks and turned them so he was facing me. Then I pressed a soft and loving kiss to his bruised lips and smiled at him fondly.

"I mean it. You're perfect."

He leaned forward and gently kissed me back, "You're the perfect one, Lou."

"You ready for this?" I asked, wanting to make sure, "Because if you've changed your mind, we don't-"

Harry cut me off with a kiss to my lips and breathed a quiet 'yes'.

I put my arms under his legs and then wrapped them around me, spreading him open so beautifully before me, I could feel myself growing harder by the moment, anticipating the moment where I would finally be inside of him.

I held my cock, sensitive to the touch, and brushed it over his opening before finally nudging the tip in. Harry opened his mouth to let out a breathy moan as I pushed it farther and farther in, wincing at the sight of Harry squirming in pain. 

"You okay?" I breathed, "Because if it's too much-"

He cut me off, "I swear to God Lou, if you ask me that one more time. Now please just fuck me."

Slowly, I started moving back and forth, unsure about how much Harry could handle.

"You have no idea how fucking tight you are, Haz," I groaned.

"Yeah," he breathed, "You have no fucking idea how fucking big you are," 

I started thrusting into Harry, deep and slow to start.

"Harder." He moaned, withering underneath me. 

"Can you take it?" I asked, panting.

"I think so."

I nodded and looked down between us. Harry's cock was leaning against his chests, painfully hard and leaking precome.

I noticed Harry was no longer leaning on his elbows but was laying flatly on the ground, his arms sprawled out above him. Just the sight of him so vulnerable beneath me made a sinful moan escape from my lips. I leaned forward so I could reach the ground with my own hands, and then spread my hands, palm facing down, between his large fingers, his palm facing up. They slid together perfectly like we were both made to fit within each other.

I started thrusting harder into him, breathless moans coming from the both of us and escaping into the quiet night air. I didn't even care if people heard us fucking on the roof; I wanted people to know he was mine.

Harry's heels were digging into the back of my thighs as I sped up. 

"Ooh G...od." Harry's voice shook as I struck his prostate

My stomach clenched at the sounds spilling from Harry's lips as I struck his sweet spot again and again. He was shaking and moaning and coming undone beneath me.

And just the sight of Harry, sweaty, vulnerable, shaking, and sweet, sinful moans escaping his mouth on each thrust was enough to make me come on the spot.

As I came down from my orgasm, I continued to thrust Harry through his.

"I'm so close Louis," he whined, "Please touch-"

"I'm gonna make you come without that," I whispered into his ear, and he shuddered.

I then gave a really hard thrust inside of him, my dick hitting his prostate straight on. He screamed as he came, stomach muscles tightening and eyes closing, and I had to lean down and kiss him roughly so he wasn't so loud.

I helped ride him through it, before we both collapsed onto the ground, breathless.

We laid there for a bit, just soaking each other and what just happened up. 

Since Harry was still breathless and weak, I got up and put my clothes on, then packed all of the things up in the backpack I had used to carry it all up and swung it around my shoulder. Then I wrapped his hospital gown around him that I had brought, thinking that if the night ended up as it did, I'd need something easy to wrap him in. Then I moved my arms under his weak body and lifted him up bridal style, and carried him down the stairs and into our room. Since it was late, there wasn't really anyone around to question us.

I gently laid him down on his bed, stripping the hospital gown off and replacing it with his pajamas. It wasn't easy, but I managed. Then I changed myself and crawled into bed beside him. I thought he was asleep, so I spooned him from behind, but then he turned around and faced me, his green eyes glowing and a dimpled, lazy grin plastered on his face.

"Best night of my life," Harry breathed, his eyes not leaving mine. I couldn't agree more.

-

I woke up and rolled over onto Harry. But the bed was empty and I quickly sat up, glancing around. Something was off. I remembered I fell asleep on Harry's bed last night, but I realized I was on my bed. And then I noticed that his bed was fresh and made, and all of his belongings were gone, including the bear I got him. And then I realized my stuff was gone as well. Frantically, I jumped out of bed and ran out of the room and stumbled into Anne.

"Anne! Thank god, Harry- he's missing! I-" I started to shout.

"Louis, Louis, you need to calm down-" Anne said as she held my flailing arms, trying to keep me still.  
"No! Harry! I- I fell asleep with him last night, but he's gone! And I-"

"Louis..." She said, and then I noticed the tears in her eyes. "Louis, we need to talk." Her voice broke, and I felt nauseous.

I let her lead me over to a couple of chairs in the hallway numbly. "Louis. You know we've been putting it off for a while... I just, I couldn't handle saying good bye to my boy," Her voice cracked and she held back a sob, "We came in today and saw you sleeping beside him and... well, we figured it would be best to do it while you were asleep. We know how much he meant to you-"

"What do you mean? Do what?" I asked. Harry was perfectly fine the night before. And Anne knew I was staying with him.

Anne looked at my with pity and took a sharp breath, "Louis... we took him off life support today. H- He's gone..."

I blankly stared up at her. Life support? "But... Anne, he was fine last night? He doesn't need life support, he woke up?"

Anne let out a sob and put her face into her hands. "Louis..."

"No!" I shouted at her. No no no no no, "He was fine, Anne! He was fine!"

"Louis- Harry... Harry never woke up, dear. He was brain dead, remember?"

"Yeah, he was. But he woke up. A-and I have been staying here with him for the last couple of weeks. We met some kids, and we-we-"

Anne didn't say anything but suddenly I came to realization. "Louis, the accident only happened a week ago. Harry... he never woke up. I-I think you were dreaming it-"

I started to cry. There was no way. It all made sense, but there was no way. "No! NO! Anne, stop lying. He's fine, he's fine." Anne started to cry too, and she tried pulling me in but I pushed her away.

"Louis-"

"No!" I screamed, "Where is he Anne? Where is he?! Tell me!?" I sobbed.

Tears were streaming down her face, and I knew how much this was hurting her, the reminder of her son, but I didn't care.

"He's in the morgue, Louis, but-"

And with that I ran, despite Anne's calls. I knew where the morgue was, since I had discovered it with Harry while we were exploring. See, I would realize that Harry wasn't there. He must have put Anne up to the joke. A cruel joke at that. I would definitely talk some sense into him about jokes that shouldn't be played.

I entered the morgue, and was blasted with cold. I could smell the death.

There weren't very many bodies in there, nine in total. They were covered in zipped up black bags. Without thought, I became zipping them open, one by one. I didn't recognize any of them, and was about to believe that it was all a dream until I came face to face with a certain blonde haired boy. Niall. His eyes were closed, and his face was pale and blue. I shuddered. He wasn't breathing. He was dead.

"No!" I whispered, "No no no-" I ran to the next body bag and zipped it open. Although the eyes were closed, I recognized the face right away. The sharp jawline- Zayn. He was still bald and pale, but even more pale than he was when he was alive. This can't be real. This can't be real.

I went to the next one and although I know I shouldn't have been surprised, the shock was still as great as the first two. Liam.

I cried. My vision was so blurry I could hardly even make out his face but I knew it was him. There was only one bag left, one body. I dreaded it. I didn't want to open it, because I knew who it was. I knew who was in it. But part of me hoped that maybe- maybe, it was someone else.

With a shaking hand I reached out and slowly unzipped the bag.

And I felt my heart stop. I felt all the blood drain from my body. I couldn't move, I couldn't breath. I couldn't let myself breath when this beautiful, curly brown haired, green eyed boy wasn't.

"Harry," I whispered. I reached out and touched his cheeks. They were still soft, but cold. It didn't feel right

My wet tears fell into little droplets on his cheek.

And then, with nausea still deep in my stomach, and with the tears blurring my vision, I came to the horrifying realization.

Harry never woke up.

I never stayed for weeks in the hospital with him.

It hadn't been weeks. Only one.

I had never met Niall, Zayn, and Liam.

The five of us never had a friendship.

I never kissed Harry.

I never took him on a date.

We never had sex.

It was all a dream.

I let out a strangled cry and then pressed a lingering kiss to his soft, cold cheeks. Then I moved over and kissed his lips.

Technically it was our first kiss, but they still felt the same as they did in my- well, my dream. Soft, plump, and rosy, except they were cold. So cold. And then I kissed them, he didn't kiss back.

I collapsed to the ground in front of the table that Harry was laying on and cried. I cried and I cried, and I struggled to breathe. I felt my heart clenches and my lungs screaming for air but I couldn't. It was all a dream. It was all a dream. It was all a dream. He's dead. He's dead and he's never coming back. Never.

And then everything went black, and the last thing I felt was my head hitting the stone, cold floor.

-

Grief is something you can never prepare yourself for. No matter how much you try, the moment that grief hits it's like you never even tried to prepare yourself. 

I had been preparing myself ever since the first time she was diagnosed. Since the first time I heard the words 'stage 1 leukemia' come out of the doctor's mouth. Even though it was only stage 1, I was preparing myself for the worst. 

And then she was okay. Living, breathing, smiling. Her hair was starting to grow back and the color was returning to her cheeks.

And then, the morning of our 5 year anniversary, she collapsed. And we went through it all over again. The chemo, the radiation, the surgeries. Her hair was gone and the colour was gone from her cheeks. Except for this time, the words coming out of the doctor's mouth were different. This time, it was stage 4. 

And now, as I sat on the familiar hospital chair, my hand tightly wrapped around her cold one, I felt some deja vu. She was steady at the moment, except unconscious. Her cancer was basically everywhere. I had been preparing myself for ages because I knew she was going to die.

But, the moment her heart flatlined and her chest stopped rising, all of the preparation I did was nothing. 

And now, I stood on the familiar roof of the hospital, looking over the edge. I hadn't been here since-. Well, technically I hadn't been here at all. But it was just like I remembered it.

After Harry had died, I was numb. I fell into severe depression and I never thought I'd ever come back from it.

And then I met Eleanor. Bright, happy, cheerful, and just the light I needed in my life. We started out as friends, but the more we saw each other, the more I fell in love with her and the more she healed me. And then suddenly she was gone.

I lifted my arm up and rubbed my hand against my arm, trying to scratch away the tingling I felt there. It had been a while since there was a fresh scar, but I still got those impulses. A few times I would slip up, but I promised Eleanor I would try and stop. Now that she was dead, I knew I couldn't bring myself to do it again. Not like I would need to after today anyways.

I turned around and slid down the wall, letting out a shaky breath. The memories of kissing Harry- or, the memories of my dream when I kissed Harry, all came back to me. And then I looked over to the spot where we... or, where we didn't. I couldn't live like this anymore. 

So, without hesitation, I got up and leaned over the ledge. Cars and pedestrians walked by, living their own lives, completely unaware of the broken man watching them from above. I wished I could trade lives with one of them. Any life was better than this one. After you lose not only one loved one, but everyone you've ever loved, life just has no joy anymore. You lose the ability to love in order to spare yourself from ever being hurt again, and without love, life just isn't worth it.

I got up on the ledge and stood straight, letting my arms reach out. I felt on top of the world for a second. There was a slight breeze that brushed against my skin coldly, and blew my hair around. I closed my eyes and focused on my breath. All of the sounds of the city quieted down, and I heard silence. Peace, for the first time in ages, I felt peace. And then I counted down from ten.

Ten

Nine

Eight

Seven

Six

Five

Four

Three

Two

One

Zero


End file.
